By Mariyah
I stood in my own stunned silence as I watched Youssef drive away. Well, not stunned exactly. I had half expected him to kiss me. Dazed would be a better word, dazed and delighted. And surprised. Surprised because I was so delighted. I smiled and shook my head as his car disappeared from view. I touched my lips with my fingers and felt the tingle of his kiss all over again. It had been soft and so tender, completely unlike I had previously imagined it might be. My stereotyping had blinded me. I thought perhaps an awkward professor might dispense rather dry, dispassionate kisses. But he was not awkward, nor dry and definitely not dispassionate. In fact, the more time I spent with him, the more I realized that perhaps his exterior image may be a disguise, one he devised, perhaps subconsciously, to shield himself from unwanted attention.
“Too bad.” I said aloud to myself. He could have made some woman very happy. Then immediately realized the irony in my thoughts. He was making me very happy. Why was I not completely allowing myself to enjoy him even if it would only be a brief time we could have together? That was the problem, the brevity. I was holding back, not intentionally, but the time constraints weighed on my mind and affected my behavior. What would I have done had I known I would never leave this place? The answer hit me so hard, I felt the tears well in my eyes. I would have fallen completely and utterly in love with this man. I sighed deeply. The reality was that I was falling in love with him and the thought of leaving him tore at my heart. I turned back to face my temporary home and walked toward it with a purposeful stride. I had decided instantaneously. I couldn’t allow myself the selfish pleasure of toying with Youssef’s heart or my own. I had only a few weeks left and my purpose here was clear. To help Yasmina and Yazan. They had a good chance at a future together. Youssef and I, as far as I could see, did not.
—–
My make-shift writing table was a bit wobbly. I tried to ignore it as I scribbled down a few thoughts in one of the notebooks Youssef had picked up for me. But my mind was distracted and I welcomed the excuse to find something to shove under the table-leg to stabilize it. I wandered aimlessly around the apartment, halfheartedly opening drawers and cupboards. I stopped in front of the west-facing window and stared absentmindedly at the shining waters beyond the village. My heart ached to stay here…forever. But it just wasn’t possible. My whole life, well, my career, lay ahead of me back home. I had worked so hard to make it as far as I had, I couldn’t give it up for something…someone…I knew so little about. It just didn’t seem reasonable or practical. Besides my track record with relationships wasn’t exactly stellar. Obviously. That was probably part of the reason my father suggested I vacation here. He knew the relatives would never stand for this kind of lackadaisical, non-committal behaviour. I couldn’t help but smile at my own clumsiness. And then Youssef’s smile floated into my mind…
A loud knock at the door startled me. I hadn’t been expecting anyone and I felt tense at the interruption.
“Amar? Its Yasmina.”
Relief flooded me. This was a welcome interruption after all. I flung open the door and greeted her warmly.
“Yasmina! What a wonderful surprise.”
She raised one eyebrow and looked hesitantly inside before entering.
“I’m not disrupting anything am I?”
I knew what she meant. “No. I’m all alone.”
We plunked ourselves on the sofa like two teenaged girls.
“So…?” Yasmina asked curiously.
I played dumb. “So, what?”
“Oh come on! How was your morning with Youssef?”
I answered too briskly. “It was fine. Lovely.” I tried to force a smile.
Yasmina started to laugh, hard.
“What?”
“You’re terrified!” she laughed harder. “He kissed you didn’t he? He kissed you and you liked it!”
Women have an uncanny ability to pick up on body language, especially when that body language contradicts the spoken words. I decided my only defense was to throw something back at her to set her off-guard and off the topic of me and Youssef.
“What do you think of Yazan?”
“Oh no, no! We were talking about you!” She smiled broadly.
“Please, Yasmina?” I practically begged. “Tell me about Yazan.”
I could see her entire body withdraw almost within itself. “I barely know him, Amar. He won’t let anyone know him. But then, I’m married so I don’t make it my business.”
“And I have no business leading Youssef on. I’ll be leaving soon. Its not fair to either of us.”
We looked at each other in silence. Each of us knowing full well that we were in love and that we were both hiding behind these obstacles that we closely guarded as being legitimate for the sake of self-preservation. Now I was further set in my determination to tear down her obstacle, and clearly she was equally determined to destroy mine.
“He would go anywhere with you.” An effective verbal grenade.
Shields up. My response was almost robotic in nature. “But he has his life and career here. He couldn’t leave as much as I couldn’t stay.”
“That’s bullshit, Amar, and you know it.” Yasmina wasn’t smiling.
“Well what about you? You can’t live like this forever, Yasmina.” I threw everything at her. “Yazan is in love with you.”
She sighed. She already knew. “It’s all bullshit.” I held her while she cried her heart out and in my own heart I longed to be held by Youssef.
© Mariyah Ayoub and Mariyah’s Blog, 2008-2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Mariyah Ayoub and Mariyah’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Mariyah
abufares
abufares said,
October 23, 2009 at 10:58 am
Marroush:-)
Early in the morning of every other Friday I receive the greatest reward in my blogging experience when I read your episodes of Sea Side.
Now that our journey seems to have acquired a purpose, a sort of a plot, my excitement has increased in leaps and bounds. I no longer stutter when I write and I’m not hard of hearing as far as the your prose is concerned.
I’m absorbing your essence Mariyah with every word you scribble in our little notebook. And, when it’s my turn, I’m unleashing Youssef to venture further into the unknown of a sweet and delicate story about love, about the emotional struggle of four hearts against the odds.
Thank you for paving the way and for making it such a joy ride. See you next Friday!
Mariyah said,
October 23, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Well, I can’t wait for every other Friday either – when you’re writing!
Thank you, Abufares, and I’m looking forward to seeing what Youssef and the rest of the gang will be up to next.. 
superkid said,
October 23, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Mariyah said,
October 23, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Thank you, dear Superkid. I’m so glad you dropped by again. Its lovely to see you here and I’m happy that you are enjoying the story.
yaser said,
October 23, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Good morning:)
I feel like I am attending an orchestra..every thing is in tune and harmony.
there is good chemstry between Amar and Youssef, however Yasmina and Yazan should open up more,so that the events start to turn in their favor.
anyway, it is up for you guys to plot the course, but I’d say please keep it up:)
Mariyah said,
October 23, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Hello Yaser! Oh I think you’ll be pleased with upcoming episodes! Its great to see you and thanks for the comment.
Yazan said,
October 23, 2009 at 2:40 pm
My dearest Mariyah,
Sweet like my apricots and breathtaking like a shot of vodka. I love Yasmina, I love Amar, I love them all. You are a masterful writer, and I’m a very very happy reader.
I’m still waiting for the anti-hero though
Mariyah said,
October 23, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Oh, what a treat! Yazan…its so nice to see your comment! I’m so pleased you’re happy and I think you’ll enjoy what’s coming up too.
Gabriela said,
October 23, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I think that sometimes, self preservation collide with self destruction. Why is it that sometimes we HAVE TO BE rational? I’ve seen lots of situations when the people involved have to put the heart aside and listen to what’s rational. And no matter what our choices are, no matter if we listen to our heart or to our brain, no matter what we choose, we always lose.
Lovely post!
Gabriela said,
October 23, 2009 at 11:25 pm
I correct my words: there is a part of us that always loses. And another part that always wins. I guess it’s better to see the glass half full, isn’t it?
Mariyah said,
October 25, 2009 at 7:20 am
It would be so much nicer, wouldn’t it Gabriela, if we could love without thinking rationally. The two just don’t mix well. Its nice though when you can find common ground…or a glass half full.
Thanks for being here as always.
Neetu said,
October 25, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Mariyah said,
October 25, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Hi Neetu! I assume that means you liked it?
Thank you so much.
Neetu said,
October 26, 2009 at 8:26 am
Hi Mariyah, without doubt i liked it rather i loved. and i think sometimes silence speaks what we cannot express in words.
Mariyah said,
October 26, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I completely understand, Neetu. Thank you!!
Its always wonderful to have you here.
Karin said,
October 25, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Ahhhhhhhh … nobody should ever underestimate a woman deeply in love!! He would be the biggest fool on the face of the planet …
The sweet yet soul-torturing suspense … the everlasting sweetness of the kiss, the helpless (and useless) trying to justify why it would never work! Heavenly!!
I absolutely LOVE the dynamics here … kepp on ging Mariyah and Abufares, on .. and on … and on!!!
Mariyah said,
October 26, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Thank you, Karin! I’m so pleased you’re continuing to enjoy the story. Thank you for being here.
Fantasia Lillith said,
October 27, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Ooooooh … Oh yeah hmmmm …. they got it bad! and you captured this so powerfully. Amazing use of words and images. I am liking the sense of sisterhood between the women. It is a little unexpected for me – I wonder will it last? women can be so cruel and fickle… and yes – making excuses – how silly we are – and we all do it, and are often undone by it.
Where will this go!? Very good … very very good. In fact – if I may – I would say getting better!
Mariyah said,
October 29, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Thank you so much Fantasia! I’m always glad to know you are continuing to read and enjoying the story. Sometimes a sisterhood doesn’t take long to bond…I can think of a few real-life examples in fact.
Now it’s up to the men to divulge some information…at least, I hope they will! We’ll see tomorrow…
Katia said,
October 29, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Hi Mariyah,
I’m late at the party again, just like last couple of weeks, but I knew I had something fantastic to look forward to and it’s such a delight to have finally read it!
You hit the nail on the head with that brevity. It sounds so familiar, even more so because of the way you captured it.
Lovely, as always
Mariyah said,
October 29, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Better late than never, my dear Katia! I’m always glad to see you here whenever you can make it. Thank you so much for your comment and continued support.